In the spirit of this blog's name I am going to chronicle something merely to preserve an observation of myself; not one I particularly understand or admire or that so far has spouted any useful conclusions or advice, but simply one I feel is happening, or rather is happening again. On Friday I was accepted into Columbia University's MIA programme. It was the only Masters programme I applied for and it was an extremely long shot for many reasons, the calibre and number of applicants that a university like Columbia attracts and my non-traditional background for the course being the most obvious. It wasn't particularly sensible to only apply to this programme, but that is how I work. All eggs. One very attractive basket. Simply being accepted should be a huge ego boost and relief that my gamble worked to some degree, and at times I do feel happiness and pride at having got this far and excitement at the prospect of going, with daydreams of first days in NY and on the campus, but this is not my overwhelming feeling.
I'd always said that the bigger struggle was not of getting accepted onto the programme but of securing funding - US universities definitely don't come cheap. And now that I have a place and therefore good reason to devote huge chunks of my time and headspace towards convincing the world to give me this phenomenal amount of money, I am more sure of that than ever. Sifting through hundreds of scholarship, fellowship and educational grant websites, that mostly tell me that I am ineligible or too late to apply, keeps my head firmly on the ground while so many people around me offer their excited congratulations and assurances.
Their encouragement and belief in me is invaluable and if I didn't share their confidence to a degree I wouldn't even apply for these things. But in moments like these, where some sudden and unlikely accomplishment is rewarded with further struggle (and further rewards), I mostly just feel very small. I feel more lucky than proud to have a place on the programme. I feel daunted by the hurdles I'll have to go through before I can accept it, and even more so by the ones I'll have to go through if I do make it there. I wonder how I'll overcome my disastrous organisation skills to get funding or a student visa, how I'll cope with essay-based assessment with my limited experience in this as a Mathematician, how I'll deal with moving to a new country or how I'll stack up against peers who have considerably more knowledge and training in this field than I do.
I don't feel discouraged. In fact, feeling a little undeserving and out of my depth only makes me want to work harder. I want to be good enough for the things I achieve or am hoping to achieve, even when I don't believe that I am yet. I don't know whether this kind of humility is a virtue or a hindrance. But good or bad, right or wrong, this is how I feel.
