Creature of the Night

2am tiredness shakes. 8am meeting. No good reason to be up at this time. About to set my alarm - the worst part of every day, but this time at least feeling relieved that I'm about to get a 'reasonable' amount of sleep.


Find me a job where I can be my nocturnal self.

Running Towards My Goals

This isn't the first and won't be the last mention of running in what is supposed to be my 'career blog'. For some reason in my mind the two are completely intertwined. I do some of my best thinking about my career & life in general while I'm running; and I think about running,well, all the time really, but particularly when I need to be reminded of what I can accomplish or of how much I can c*ck up if I don't do things properly.

There are many parralels. They are both long term challenges, and in that way both benefit from steady, structured, incremental progress and defined goals. Both come with their critics (in terms of my ability or suitability to them), both test me to my limits and demand huge amounts of mental discipline, and yet both are rewarding enough to make it all worthwhile. They both teach me a lot about myself, and help me to grow, and - this is important - they both inspire in me a similar level of hunger and ambition.

A race training programme teaches me discipline and the value of practice and progress. Aches and injuries teach me to have restraint, and the strength it takes to start again and work towards revised (downward) goals. And every run is a journey in itself, with highs and lows to overcome - the achy bit at the beginning that you just have to push through, the 'yes I'm past halfway!' bit, the lovely little discoveries you can make when you turn a corner, the weather, the exhaustion, the dehydration, the exhilaration, the 'oh my god did I actually just run 10 miles?!' feelings of pride and accomplishment, etc. And so, like all good journeys, I leave each one knowing a little bit more about what I can achieve and how I can do better, and with lasting memories to call on when I need those reminders.

The strong connection I feel between running and my career journey is usually a good thing, with one often providing inspiration, clarity and direction for the other. But today, my shin splints are enough to throw me into a state of complete demoralisation about my life - a state from which, I'm sure, I'll emerge stronger and fighting. It's just so hard in the meantime to feel that everything is still so far out of my reach.

Distraction

I shouldn't be at work today. I'm in some crazy dreamy place where I'm tortured by internal forces that are too many in number, too opposing in nature and too powerful and overwhelming to allow me to concentrate on, say, firming up user requirements. Hope, love, disgust, frustration, fear, courage, forgiveness.

I think I'm in India.

My Prescription for Dropout Syndrome

Answering my cousin's blog post...

The dropout syndrome is apparently hereditary.

What do you do if you fear you are not a 20-year stint in same industry kinda person, but you are also too ambitious and broke and bored to start at the bottom again every time you change your mind?

Keep moving - preferably up as well as across, write a blog, try to recognise your own patterns, develop a lot of transferable skills, get really good at finding connections & middle ground between industries, stay in touch with all your interests while you're pursuing the chosen one of that time, take all the passion and energy and fear that comes from the jumps you make and use them to make progress quickly because time is the one thing your restlessness probably won't let you have.

And when your feet start itching again, as inevitably they will, wonder if you should push through that feeling and actually stick with something this time, know deep down that you just can't, take a deep breath, think 'here we go again' and hope for the best.

Daring to Dream

Sometimes I'm so scared about this career change stuff, and at other times nothing frightens me more than my own ambition.

I just listened to a speech by Muhammed Yunus, the founder of microfinance, as research for an article I'm writing. The more I look into the field of International Development, the more I am struck by the immense power behind simple ideas. The kind of ideas that seem outlandish or counterintuitive at the time - like lending money to the poor instead of giving it (microfinance), or teaching people how to make a rough rehydration solution with water, sugar & salt instead of providing them with those perfectly formulated little Dioralyte sachets (BRAC). The kind of ideas that create economies and end cholera epidemics and that, because of their simplicity, work and grow and last through generations.

This is going to sound terribly big-headed, but I see myself or my potential in some of those talks, articles & stories. I feel like I was given this brain and these talents and interests and personal qualities that, of course, need a whole load of fine-tuning, but that could actually one day be used to do something amazing...or at least, something that is amazing to me.

I know I have so much work to do, and so many weaknesses to overcome, and there will be plenty of posts about those, but right now I'm just enjoying the feeling that anything is possible if you dare to dream.

Beautiful Words Deserve Beautiful Letters

I talked in this post about how much I liked the story of Steve Jobs' calligraphy course. Today I had a surprise calligraphy lesson of my own (or maybe typography, not sure I understand the distinction yet), and I think it may also turn out to be fairly useful!

I learnt a few basics about how to lay out documents/websites/etc in a way that makes them more readable and less visually distracting - probably good for anyone to know, but particularly for me right now since I have a website to design, and some application forms and articles to write.

Wikipedia will of course explain it all so I won't write it out here. Some basics are the CRAP principle (Contrast Repetition Alignment Proximity), rivers of white, serif & sans serif fonts, spacing & kerning. This is a great website too: http://www.webdesignfromscratch.com/basics/readability.php

And the teacher? One of the politicians who is still deciding whether or not to make me an ally. But I think that actually makes the surprise a little sweeter.

Getting Political

So I started my new job, worked for two weeks, went on holiday for three, and now have been back for two days. Already going crazy. This place is so political. There's more focus on forming strategic allegiances than on getting anything done. It's all secret chats in stairwells, and power struggles, and meetings in the pub about the meetings in the office, and 'who knows the most buzzwords and corporate jargon?' competitions. I can't help thinking that my interview should have been more a test of my diplomacy & bullshitting skills than a 2+ hour grilling on my knowledge of financial models.

It's a good place for me to be right now. The money is phenomenally good, and that helps me to pay off the debts I've racked up/earn towards grad school/etc. I get a lot of freedom. I can play on the internet all day, write my blog from the office, disappear for hours without anyone noticing. I could probably take my GRE test from my desk!

Fow now, I feel largely in control of my personal development. There are things I can learn from this job that would help me in any career - the art of politicking for one! And thanks to having a boss who either doesn't care or just really believes in freedom & empowerment (haven't decided yet), and having the detachment that comes from being an external contractor with other ideas for my life, I have a lot more time and mental capacity to work on things myself. Now I just have to use it! It's a new year & new chapter of my life. Time to set some goals, get some structure, really explore my options and see what I can do.