(Not) Losing My Momentum

Had a really yucky couple of days. Didn't do nothing, or descend into the daytime tv lethargy, but was definitely losing momentum, and sinking deeper into this state due to the relative inactivity.

So I have identified a few of the things that have been bothering me and I'm writing them up to make sure I work on them:

1. I still don't have a job

I've been looking for some contracting work in banking to pay the bills whilst I work towards my other goals. I'm fortunate to have been working in Risk for the last few years - maybe the only area in which banks are stepping up recruitment in this financial crisis. So I'm very marketable, and knowing that definitely gave me some expectations about how quickly I could find a job (plus I am always scarily confident about these things), but it's moving really slowly. I've had one interview in two weeks, and I'm still waiting to secure an appointment for the second round.

In the last couple of days I've been worrying about money - being able to afford my impending holiday and my other obligations. At one point I even reprimanded myself for buying an avocado @ £1.19 (as if that's the worst of my financial sins)!

Well I had some good news today in that my recruitment agency is really hammering for a second interview this week and chasing on some other jobs. I also signed up to cityjobs.com and applied for a few more roles, signed up for job alerts via email, and booked an appointment with an accountancy firm for tomorrow re: setting up my own company. I'm feeling a LOT better.

2. I miss running

I can hardly believe the words I'm writing, or that running should have such an impact on my mood. Last year I couldn't run for more than a minute. I've since run a 10K race and a half marathon, and have recently signed up to run the London marathon next year. I'm dying to start training obviously, but have been signed off for six weeks by my doc. So for two days in a row now I've put off going to the gym, because I don't find the cross-trainer nearly as enjoyable or challenging as running. I miss the fresh air effect, and I really miss the feeling of achieving new goals every week (a longer distance, a better pace, a faster time) and the incredible impact that has on the rest of my life.

But I can have all that back, if I take good care of myself in these recovery weeks. So tomorrow I am getting on that cross-trainer, and I am going to remember that in using it I am still working towards that finish line on The Mall. And tonight as soon as I finish this I'm going to do a good round of my physio exercises and schedule them into every day in my calendar. No more excuses. I can use this six weeks well, doing the exercise I can to build up my endurance, or badly, feeling sorry for myself. I am going to use them well. It'll help with everything else too.

3. I miss human interaction

Not surprising really. Going from days full of office banter to days on end without any person to person interaction. It's easily solved too. I have time and a travelcard and plenty of friends I can meet for lunch! Also restarted Spanish conversation swaps - because it's one of those things I always wish I had time for when I'm working.

So all in all feeling much more positive now and expecting/intending to have a better few days. I'm finding that a lot about making this all work lies in being honest with myself. It's hard to do sometimes but worth it when I get issues resolved.

The First Mistake

In my first post I said that I'd document my mistakes. Well, it didn't take me very long to make one.

My first mistake came on the day I resigned, when I told my boss that I was willing to stay for up to three months, even though contractually I only had to give one month's notice. I made this decision out of fear. I was quitting my job in the middle of a recession, with a mountain of debt, plenty of financial obligations and no life plan. The thought of only having one more pay cheque was terrifying. Three more seemed a lot less scary.

Besides I didn't even expect them to take me up on the offer, but they did, and I stayed, and this is what happened...

Initially I felt pretty positive, as though I somehow had the best of both worlds. I knew that I was leaving, which was the important thing, and I had this safety net of 3 months' salary and a desk from which I could research my new career all day. I felt liberated and hopeful. The things I disliked about work ceased to bother me, because I knew I didn't have to put up with them for much longer. I embraced the things I liked about it, and tried to take advantage of the opportunity to further develop a few of my skills.

This feeling was short-lived. The work was piled on noticeably and immediately, as though my management were trying to squeeze every last bit of productivity and knowledge out of me. I even received training on risk calculations I hadn't yet encountered, and was made to submit work and give presentations on them, sometimes with very little notice. On one occasion I worked til 8pm on a Sunday trying to prepare for a presentation. This treatment seems to be in keeping with that department's policies regarding leavers, but I'm sure the 3 month notice period made it even more tempting for my management.

Still I was leaving, I was starting my new life, and I was at least excited about that. I wanted to talk to everyone about it, to share the excitement and feed off their ideas and encouragement. But I was asked not to tell anyone in my team that I was leaving until they figured out the headcount and HR stuff, initially expecting that this would take a week, and then another week, and another. I ended up keeping quiet for over a month - longer than my contractual notice period!

The only thing I hated more than the increased mind-numbingly dull workload was the pretence. It didn't take long for the last of my conscientiousness to die. I dreaded going to work, and every day that I did made me hate myself a little more for ever choosing to do it for longer than I had to, and choosing to do so for money.

With a month to go I'd already handed over all the things I ever liked about the job, and at this stage I couldn't even feign an interest or maintain an acceptable level of professionalism. I was acting in defiance, taking advantage of every company perk, and giving back as little as possible.

One thing I did right, and the only thing that stopped me becoming a sluggish lethargic mess of a human being, was to take all my frustration out on the treadmill.

So I survived, but what did I get out of it? 3 months of hell, being paid less than I would in the contracting world I'm now entering, finding myself unemployed in a slow job market shortly before my holiday, and concern that my lack of motivation & professionalism in the last month has done permanent damage to the relationships I actually cared about keeping.

And the one positive outcome? A lesson, a memory, now preserved by this post - that 3 months is too long to do something I've already decided isn't right for me. In fact 'longer than necessary' is too long, and in determining what is 'necessary', I must remember that there is a subtle but important difference between pragmatism and fear.

Laptop Lifestyle

Coming to you from a cafe in Spitalfields market today. Needed wifi and to get out of the flat.

I've always had this secret envy of the people I see working in public places. Who wouldn't love the freedom to work at their own pace, on their own terms, in any environment they choose?

Ok so it's not as simple as that and it's probably not for everyone. You need tons of self-discipline. There are a multitude of distractions to fight and no boss or company IT restrictions to stop you succumbing to them. There's no one to give you a structure to your day or set your priorities for you or break the big goals into little tasks and give you deadlines. Here's the scariest part - there is no one who will force you to achieve anything.

I'm still pretty sloppy with it all. Have a really productive few hours, and then hardly do anything. I'm getting better at ticking things off the to-do list. Adopting a couple of time management techniques and imposing strict facebook, chat and daytime TV bans or quotas has helped tremendously. Plus I am learning where I work best. Sometimes it's in the flat, but after a while I might need a change of scenery and the noise of a cafe (not to mention the fuel they sell). I should try the library too, and when it's warmer maybe the great outdoors.

I think these are my major issues right now:

-My attention often flicks far too quickly between a million different things - all important to me but too varied and unrelated to each other. This means that with the exception of some rare moments of inspiration or focus, there is not enough depth or continuity to my 'work'.

-My to-do list is a lifesaver but still very micro-level. I'd love something that related the little tasks to the larger goals, but still presented them altogether (rather than just having different lists) so that I could easily pick out the ones that would work best with the time I had available/the mood I found myself in/etc and make sure I am working towards all of those goals with some degree of efficiency.

Well I have a long way to go, but one thing's for sure: I absolutely LOVE this laptop lifestyle. Now, if only I could get paid to have it.

Just Do It

I have learnt that if you want to improve your writing, you have to write. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to showcase your ability, acheive a particular degree of eloquence or be absolutely grammatically correct. It doesn't even have to be half decent. Of course you should try, but in the absence of unlimited time, resources and inspiration, it's more important to just make sure you write something. Get it out of your head and onto paper/a napkin/a blog/an email...anything. Just do it!

The same goes for pretty much any other skill: running, public speaking, languages. You can get all the guidance the world has to offer. There's plenty out there and it'll probably help, but you simply cannot improve without practice.

Now I know what my uncle (& mentor) meant when he said

"Keep writing - other stuff"

Simple and true. The words of a writer.

Twists and Turns

Pretty drained today, so I thought it would good time to post up this video link, which will do most of the work for me.

14 mins & 33 seconds of good old fashioned wisdom - not knowledge, not answers, not solutions, but wisdom about life.

Shortly after I resigned from my job, I felt as open about what I could do with my life as I did when I was twelve years old, maybe more so as the world has changed tremendously since then. There are more jobs, and more routes into them, and the world is more flexible. These days, if you have drive and a market, you could even create your own job.

We certainly live in wonderful times, but this isn't as great a predicament as it sounds. The choice is actually very overwhelming, and the freedom & opportunities we have bring with them a responsibility to make the right decisions, because now if we end up unhappy, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves...and wouldn't that be terrible?

I told a friend this, and he sent me this video.

Here's the problem with that attitude: freedom and opportunity don't make us any better at predicting the future. We simply can't know whether or not our decisions will be the right ones. As Steve says, "You can't connect the dots looking forward".

The story of the calligraphy course is the one that speaks to me the most. We make decisions without knowing their outcomes, and with some of them an outcome isn't revealed for a very long time. I sometimes find this quite difficult to deal with, especially when other people continually question my choices (often out of love or concern) and I don't yet have an answer for them.

Here's an example: I took a TEFL course a few years ago and gained a certification that I haven't used at all. It was just what I wanted to do at the time. I found it interesting and I have retained the knowledge & experience it gave me...everything from knowing where to look up grammatical rules to the day to day problems faced by my refugee students.

Maybe I will find a use for it. Time will tell. The point is, these little escapades are not necessarily a waste of our time and resources. They become part of who we are, and what we have to offer, and by undertaking them we develop something; maybe a skill, knowledge, or confidence - something that we can call on if a need arises. In this way, Steve's seemingly random calligraphy course probably changed the world.

We make decisions with the best tools we have at our disposal: instinct, reasoning, emotion. We celebrate the good ones, learn from the bad ones, and then there are the ones that are yet to reveal themselves as having any point at all - the detours of our lives.

But I don't think they are detours. They are the twists and turns in the road. The hardest decisions to make sense of. They might be surprising, confusing, or even exasperating, and we don't know where the hell they are taking us, but they are still a valid part of the journey.

The Journey Begins

The journey really began long before the creation of this blog. I was always a career committment-phobe, and even in school I chose my subjects in a way that would close as few doors as possible. I grew up in an education system that forces early specialisation, but I skirted around that too - for my A-Levels I took one science, one social science, one language and one arts subject. Of course there were some I liked more than others, and probably Maths, which I went on to study to Masters level, above all others, but I was never fulfilled by just one subject. I loved studying while I could take several modules at a time, I found the specialism of my dissertation stifling, and I have always been happiest when I've had a broad range of 'extra curricular' activities in my life to mirror my interests.

I sometimes wonder whether I haven't yet found 'my subject', but as time goes by I increasingly feel that I am just meant for interdisciplinary work. I enjoy making connections, and even a lot of what I liked about Maths was how it helped me to understand the rest of the world - the laws of shape and form, concepts readily found in nature such as growth (don't believe me? check this out), and formal logic as used in philosophical arguments, to name a few. For me Mathematics is an abstract reflection of reality, which suits me quite well since I'm not so good at dealing with the real world first hand.

I am deviating. The point of this is my career, or the way in which I'm going to be paying the bills, since unfortunately I do live in the real world. This goes beyond academic subjects and into interests and talents that are not so easily categorised by our schooling system. I have spent the better part of the last 27 years trying to figure out what my interests and talents are, so that I can pick a career (or five, as I've always half-joked half-imagined I would have) accordingly. I've tried a few too. Most recently I found myself in banking. Stayed two years in a job I intended to do for 3 months. It turns out I make a fairly decent Risk Analyst, but that analysing risk isn't what makes me excel or achieve my potential or feel challenged or fulfilled.

Over the last few months a course of actions occurred that got me from 'fairly decent Risk Analyst' to where I am now: unemployed by choice, sitting in my dressing gown at midday on a Tuesday writing a blog. I will try to document the best of those too as I feel there is something to learn from them and they form the foundations of the journey ahead. Ultimately it all came down a feeling... "I want so much more than this".

So the journey continues, and as it does I know I will make a lot of mistakes, feel inspired at times and demoralised at others, forget the point, lose sight of the goalposts, produce good work and bad. The idea of this blog is to document it to help me learn from all those experiences. It won't always be easy, but I will keep trying, because deep down I really believe that it can be better.