Types of Paper

It's been a while, hasn't it? Truth be told, I've been thinking of starting a new blog with a slightly different format/focus. I've also been contributing to another blog and that experience has given me some ideas on this, so I thought that once I figured that out I would start the new one and post the link here. But it is taking much longer than I'd planned just to decide on it, and in the meantime I've stopped my chronicling altogether, which really isn't a good thing for me.

So why is it so hard to think of what to write? Well, on one hand I would really like to write something with a wider scope - something that chronicles my life in general and not just the career-y part of it. It would also be freer in style and not be anonymous. I know that at surface level this sounds like a terrible idea; against every blogging guideline on theme and focus, completely unoriginal and even more self-indulgent than this blog. But hear me out.

Firstly I do this for myself, so the self-indulgence is justified. Also, I think I have reached a point where I want to practise presenting different types of material in different ways. I am developing all these skills in photography, video-editing, design and in combining different forms of media and I really want to use them. I often find myself wanting to write about experiences or share creations that wouldn't fit here.

But on the other hand, my life is filled with more dropout-related experiences than ever before and, whilst I would love to write about them, there are various complexities that surround this - a need for some degree of anonymity from a reputational & personal safety perspective, the impact that my actions have on others, etc. I tie myself in knots just thinking about it. So the issue is not just the standard writer's block of facing the blank page, but of deciding on the type of paper to use in the first place.

A friend of mine once told me that the blog posts she doesn't publish are the most important ones she writes, and I have certainly had similar experiences. In the end, I suspect I'll find a need and a mechanism for private reflection & analysis that complements a public one. But, for now, until I make time to draw the lines that determine what goes where, I'll be here.

Ugh, This Is Tripe

I really need to remember this - the importance of writing regularly (even if you are busy or uninspired). I haven't written much lately, and now I'm trying to write something about a travel experience. I am so out of practice and I feel like I can't properly convey my feelings - as though I have lost all my descriptive powers.

I keep reading it back to myself thinking 'ugh, this is tripe'. It's probably not too bad to read as tripe goes, and there's probably worse stuff in the world that gets published, but it doesn't feel real to me and I know I can do so much better than this, so that makes it tripe.

I know I am doing the right thing trying to write something now, and that I will get back into it if I keep trying, but I am really not enjoying the feelings of frustration at my self-inflicted inadequacy.

As usual I take it all out on my friends and my blog - the best therapists.

A Moment of Truth

Almost a year ago now I met a guy at a friend's birthday who asked me the best question I've ever been asked. I told him that I'd been feeling restless in my job and didn't know whether I needed to change my existing one, to get a new one in the same industry, or option 3; to entertain these crazy thoughts I was having about doing something completely different - something more in line with what I used to want to do before life became about being made an 'associate' (whatever that means) or otherwise climbing the corporate ladder.

He said

"If you had no financial worries, no social pressures, no doubt in your mind that you were good enough, no industry barriers to entry,.... If you really had nothing to hold you back, what would you do?"

and as he said the words, I felt each of those fears and obstacles melt away in my mind until I was left, for one brief moment, with the answer, right before they all came flooding back.

I wanted to be a writer.

That day I said those words out loud for the first time, and one of only a few times ever. The guy turned out to be an IT consultant turned film director, so we talked some more about making these changes - how scary it is, how it doesn't happen overnight, how the fears and obstacles are real and prohibitive and need to be worked around.

And of course he was right. One year later I am a Business Analyst in another bank, equally lost/confused/intimidated about what I want to do. But I do remember that conversation often, because in this frantic world I find that a moment of true clarity is something to be treasured.

Just Do It

I have learnt that if you want to improve your writing, you have to write. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to showcase your ability, acheive a particular degree of eloquence or be absolutely grammatically correct. It doesn't even have to be half decent. Of course you should try, but in the absence of unlimited time, resources and inspiration, it's more important to just make sure you write something. Get it out of your head and onto paper/a napkin/a blog/an email...anything. Just do it!

The same goes for pretty much any other skill: running, public speaking, languages. You can get all the guidance the world has to offer. There's plenty out there and it'll probably help, but you simply cannot improve without practice.

Now I know what my uncle (& mentor) meant when he said

"Keep writing - other stuff"

Simple and true. The words of a writer.