A Crisis of Confidence

I am having a confidence crisis. Looking at jobs for next year and thinking I won't be able to get them, worried I'm not in the right frame of mind to write my Columbia application, that I won't be able to get everything done before I leave for Sri Lanka, and that the nightmare weekend I just had - the highlights of which included being locked out for four hours in the snow and scalding my hand - has left me woefully unprepared and unrested for my GRE test. My mind is lingering too much on one "rejection" (which wasn't so important or even an all-out rejection, as I am on the waiting list).

And I'm worried in a bigger sense. Worried that I have put all my eggs in one basket, worried about my finances, my ability, my drive and perseverance, and how all those things are going to shape the coming years. I'm worried about things I never worry about at all, or that I even normally think of as reasons not to worry. My friends wouldn't recognise me today. I don't recognise myself. I, of course, have doubts and fears like everyone else, and what I am experiencing now is a manifestation of them all at once, but it is unusual for me to succumb to them quite this much.

It is all the result of a busy calendar, too many deadlines and things that need to be done before I leave, some unfortunate incidents and not enough - not nearly enough - personal space.

My GRE test is tomorrow. My last day in this job (and this country for a while) is Wednesday. So I need to snap out of this today.

Today is mine. All appointments but the essential ones cancelled or postponed. Sitting away from my colleagues, avoiding people, getting my head together for a few more days of hardcoreness before I get to be in my frangipani-flower-filled-paradise.