My Heart Is Afraid That It Will Have To Suffer

The Alchemist is one of those books that makes me want to tell everyone in the world how much I love it, even though it hardly needs any more publicity and if anything is dangerously over-hyped. One thing I will refrain from doing is writing a long blog post about how life-changing and amazing it is... there are plenty of those already and I'm sure you can make up your own minds.

I am writing about it today because I am thinking about fear, and one thing The Alchemist does exceptionally well is categorise (and shoot down) fear. Fear of failure, fear that your dreams will not live up to your expectations, fear that there will be nothing left to dream of if you succeed in your plans, fear that you don't deserve the thing want, etc. Ever since I've read that book I have been able to map my fears to the ones from its story as they've cropped up in my life. The little voice in my head says things like "you're being just like that guy who didn't want to go to Mecca now." Fear is often hard to recognise, and I'll always be grateful to The Alchemist for making it a little easier for me.

This is the other thing I think about fear; it is important. Yes, it can feel horrible and it can be prohibitive and there will be many many times in all of our lives when we wish we didn't have to deal with it or when it gets the better of us and life takes a negative turn as a result. But fear is important because it shows us that we care, and achievement has no real meaning without it. The things the world values are not always the things you value. The things that scare you are the things you truly value, and nothing is as satisfying as when you achieve / survive / find those.

I know what the boy in the book meant when he said "my heart is afraid that it will have to suffer." But today, thinking about all my current fears - the things I'm scared to lose and the things I'm scared I will or won't accomplish - I feel grateful for all the things I have to value.

In Need Of Stillness

I feel a bit sick - it's that kind of stressy sickness that can only be cured with some organisation, hard work, headspace and tea.

Tomorrow I have an interview and I feel quite unprepared. The last interview I had with that bank was tough and not only have I not really stepped up my game since then as planned, but if anything I'm extra rusty and out-of-it when it comes to Finance after all the time off and different experiences I've had lately.

This is good. I tend to be nervous before interviews and confident during them. I also tend to be able to pull out knowledge that's been buried deep within my brain when I need it, whether that's some mathematical knowledge for an interview or exam, or my high school Spanish in a Barcelona police station when my belongings had been stolen. I'll be ok when I walk in there.

It's a little more than just that though... finances, accounting, pending Columbia decisions, all the work we're doing on the back of the delegation trip, my ever-growing inbox... all of it is getting to me today, and I can't help dreaming of being somewhere beautiful and peaceful, far away from life's worries, or failing that, the place Herman Hesse referred to when he said this

"Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can escape at any time and be yourself"