Maybe. Probably Not. No.

Immediately after I submit any kind of application I convince myself that it won't be successful. It's mostly a self-preservation thing, but in the case of my Columbia application it is a very valid thought. I don't have a traditional academic background for the course and recent Foreign Affairs related experiences have taught me a lot and made me see some of the naivete in my application. I guess it will all come down to how much they like naive enthusiasm. And even if I am offered a place, there are funding and other potentially prohibitive factors to consider.

But in the meantime, while I convince myself that I'm not moving to NY in 6 months, I also have to be prepared in case I am, which means saying 'maybe' or 'no' to anything I'm invited to that happens around that time or that might bankrupt me given that I won't be working for 2 years and living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Today I said 'probably not' to a trip to Italy. I feel so silly everytime this happens as I'm so convinced there'll end up being no reason not to go.

I'm feeling silly a lot these days.

The Age of Applications

Lately I feel as though I am entering a period of applications for dropout-related activities. Mostly unpaid standalone experiences or internship positions, and one academic course. All of the applications involve some writing, either about myself - my experience and motivations - or about a given topic related to my current interests.

It's almost like a light version of the actual work/course/experience, and although I feel overwhelmed with trying to fit these things into my life while I have no internet at home (thanks a lot Sky Broadband), and intimidated by the tasks at hand and the calibre of the other applicants, the actual work involved - the sitting down and thrashing out the submission - gives me so much hope and energy, and knowledge or clarity on my own thoughts. I feel like I become better with each one.

Of course with applications come rejections. I haven't had too many direct ones, but I have one or two I can infer from a lack of response. I don't feel too bad about them - glad I tried, feel like I learnt from the process, etc. But in 20 rejections' time I'll have to see how I'm feeling.