Almost a year ago now I met a guy at a friend's birthday who asked me the best question I've ever been asked. I told him that I'd been feeling restless in my job and didn't know whether I needed to change my existing one, to get a new one in the same industry, or option 3; to entertain these crazy thoughts I was having about doing something completely different - something more in line with what I used to want to do before life became about being made an 'associate' (whatever that means) or otherwise climbing the corporate ladder.He said
"If you had no financial worries, no social pressures, no doubt in your mind that you were good enough, no industry barriers to entry,.... If you really had nothing to hold you back, what would you do?"
and as he said the words, I felt each of those fears and obstacles melt away in my mind until I was left, for one brief moment, with the answer, right before they all came flooding back.
I wanted to be a writer.
That day I said those words out loud for the first time, and one of only a few times ever. The guy turned out to be an IT consultant turned film director, so we talked some more about making these changes - how scary it is, how it doesn't happen overnight, how the fears and obstacles are real and prohibitive and need to be worked around.
And of course he was right. One year later I am a Business Analyst in another bank, equally lost/confused/intimidated about what I want to do. But I do remember that conversation often, because in this frantic world I find that a moment of true clarity is something to be treasured.
I know exactly what you are going through - I have these thoughts all of the time. I had a 'moment of truth' when I was studying at Oxford, and I did that little jazz cabaret with a group of students. It made me feel so alive. I loved it. And I realized, right then, that I've always loved the stage...so why not spend some more time on it?! Ever since I tried to turn performing into a career, it has felt like a downhill struggle with a few decent resting points along the way. It's HARD, pursuing your passion - lots and lots of hard work. But I'm not giving up. I've gotta get back to that place - to reconnect that feeling that made me love performing to begin with, and to keep that feeling with me for as long as I possibly can.
ReplyDeleteI also have a lot of regrets. Remember that time I wanted to take two weeks off of my day job to do a theater course on a Greek island (and I talked to you about it so that you would convince me to do it!), but I backed out? I was too scared to ask for two weeks off of work. Well, I got laid off from that job just a few weeks later. Go figure. And now, here I am, trying to build a career as a professional actor. Which activity would have mattered more in the end: 2 weeks of staring at a computer in an office, or 2 of weeks exploring the birth of the craft that I am so passionate about...in the actual place where it was born?! We too often forget the '20 year rule'...e.g. what is going to matter more in 20 years? What memory will I cherish more?
Anyway...I still dream about that trip and want to take it someday, but as the years fly by, acting on my whims seems less and less possible. I say: seize the opportunity when it presents itself. (I know that you already practice this mantra, being the world traveler that you are!) There are so many places in the world that I still want to see... Australia, NZ, Southern Spain, Greece, Bali, Senegal. The next time an opportunity presents itself to visit one of these places, I will take it. (You have to REALLY make me this time!)
So much to do, so much to accomplish, so much to experience! How are we going to fit it all in??
Also...a personal note to you, Nilmini: you are in the perfect position to write. You have a stable income. Who is to say that you can't blog for a travel website in your spare time? Just write! And save that cash. I'll send you some links to some writing classes that are held abroad....
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