Types of Paper

It's been a while, hasn't it? Truth be told, I've been thinking of starting a new blog with a slightly different format/focus. I've also been contributing to another blog and that experience has given me some ideas on this, so I thought that once I figured that out I would start the new one and post the link here. But it is taking much longer than I'd planned just to decide on it, and in the meantime I've stopped my chronicling altogether, which really isn't a good thing for me.

So why is it so hard to think of what to write? Well, on one hand I would really like to write something with a wider scope - something that chronicles my life in general and not just the career-y part of it. It would also be freer in style and not be anonymous. I know that at surface level this sounds like a terrible idea; against every blogging guideline on theme and focus, completely unoriginal and even more self-indulgent than this blog. But hear me out.

Firstly I do this for myself, so the self-indulgence is justified. Also, I think I have reached a point where I want to practise presenting different types of material in different ways. I am developing all these skills in photography, video-editing, design and in combining different forms of media and I really want to use them. I often find myself wanting to write about experiences or share creations that wouldn't fit here.

But on the other hand, my life is filled with more dropout-related experiences than ever before and, whilst I would love to write about them, there are various complexities that surround this - a need for some degree of anonymity from a reputational & personal safety perspective, the impact that my actions have on others, etc. I tie myself in knots just thinking about it. So the issue is not just the standard writer's block of facing the blank page, but of deciding on the type of paper to use in the first place.

A friend of mine once told me that the blog posts she doesn't publish are the most important ones she writes, and I have certainly had similar experiences. In the end, I suspect I'll find a need and a mechanism for private reflection & analysis that complements a public one. But, for now, until I make time to draw the lines that determine what goes where, I'll be here.

"If you want others to follow, learn to be alone with your thoughts"

I have a treat for you today. Here is a really really really good essay on solitude and leadership by William Deresiewicz. It's an intuitive idea, eloquently and powerfully delivered, delightful to read. Give yourself time to read it slowly - it's something to philosophise about on a Sunday afternoon, and not, as I discovered some short way into it, something to skim through while you're doing a hundred other things.

And here is a tiny bit of personal insight at the risk of ruining the essay for you (maybe read this later):

The idea that concentration and solitude is critical for strengthening your mind and character, and subsequently your interactions with others, is both one that makes inherent sense to me, and one that could quite easily be validated by my own experiences to date. And yet, I fall into almost all the traps quoted here every day, thinking that doing more, particularly quickly & simultaneously doing more, is what will help me achieve all my goals - reading one more article, going to one more lecture, filling in one more scholarship application, absorbing one more bit of the mass of information that I feel I am supposed to know. All of those things are important (in fact, that very attitude led me to read this essay), but not so important that I should do them at the expense of having a reasonable amount of time to reflect on it all and find my own ideas.

It's interesting how our lives can so easily diverge from our thoughts and ideals (sometime before I started this blog, I had the exact same thought about what work had become for me), even when presented with strikingly obvious clues. I am currently reading 'Long Walk to Freedom' by Nelson Mandela. If there is a book in the world that highlights the virtues of solitude - even the enforced and uncomfortable solitude found in prison - in enriching leadership, it is this one.

It’s not all regret and remorse though. I've cultivated a few good habits in this area, from Monday night yoga practice to writing as a form of reflection or even solitary travel. And I have cultivated them precisely because I could see the positive impact that this kind of thinking had on my life. I know many of the people I admire have found their own habits of concentration and solitude and reaped similar benefits. However, whilst these practices are meant to give me a minimum amount of time for myself, in reality I 'squeeze them in' so that they are in fact a maximum.

Maybe now, just before I start a new job and lose all the time that my unemployment has given me, I have an opportunity to refocus on myself and better align my day-to-day life with my personal philosophies.

"Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better"

I'm trying very hard to remember the wise words of Irish playwright Samuel Beckett.

The whole Columbia thing is just too hard. It's too much money. I've missed too many scholarship deadlines. I can't imagine a situation where I'll be able to get the funding together and I can't apply for something I can't imagine.

I am demoralised to the point of inactivity, which I can accept, especially if I look at it as a temporary state that I'll hopefully spring out of soon. But worse, I feel as though I am unbelievably close to giving up, and that is much less palatable.

So I am trying. Trying very hard to try again.

The Unknown Importance of Humility

In the spirit of this blog's name I am going to chronicle something merely to preserve an observation of myself; not one I particularly understand or admire or that so far has spouted any useful conclusions or advice, but simply one I feel is happening, or rather is happening again.

On Friday I was accepted into Columbia University's MIA programme. It was the only Masters programme I applied for and it was an extremely long shot for many reasons, the calibre and number of applicants that a university like Columbia attracts and my non-traditional background for the course being the most obvious. It wasn't particularly sensible to only apply to this programme, but that is how I work. All eggs. One very attractive basket. Simply being accepted should be a huge ego boost and relief that my gamble worked to some degree, and at times I do feel happiness and pride at having got this far and excitement at the prospect of going, with daydreams of first days in NY and on the campus, but this is not my overwhelming feeling.

I'd always said that the bigger struggle was not of getting accepted onto the programme but of securing funding - US universities definitely don't come cheap. And now that I have a place and therefore good reason to devote huge chunks of my time and headspace towards convincing the world to give me this phenomenal amount of money, I am more sure of that than ever. Sifting through hundreds of scholarship, fellowship and educational grant websites, that mostly tell me that I am ineligible or too late to apply, keeps my head firmly on the ground while so many people around me offer their excited congratulations and assurances.

Their encouragement and belief in me is invaluable and if I didn't share their confidence to a degree I wouldn't even apply for these things. But in moments like these, where some sudden and unlikely accomplishment is rewarded with further struggle (and further rewards), I mostly just feel very small. I feel more lucky than proud to have a place on the programme. I feel daunted by the hurdles I'll have to go through before I can accept it, and even more so by the ones I'll have to go through if I do make it there. I wonder how I'll overcome my disastrous organisation skills to get funding or a student visa, how I'll cope with essay-based assessment with my limited experience in this as a Mathematician, how I'll deal with moving to a new country or how I'll stack up against peers who have considerably more knowledge and training in this field than I do.

I don't feel discouraged. In fact, feeling a little undeserving and out of my depth only makes me want to work harder. I want to be good enough for the things I achieve or am hoping to achieve, even when I don't believe that I am yet. I don't know whether this kind of humility is a virtue or a hindrance. But good or bad, right or wrong, this is how I feel.

Tomorrow To Fresh Woods And Pastures New

I'm busier now than I was when I had a job, and honestly too zapped and overloaded with unstructured thoughts & feelings to write anything of substance here, but I thought it was time for an update.

I am on the waiting list for Columbia. It was nice not to be rejected, and I know there is still hope of going, but I am more dejected than I let on about the fact that this means I won't receive any Columbia funding even if I am later offered a place. I am especially dejected because everything I've learnt in the last few months has confirmed my interest in this area and given me material and experiences that would have made for a stronger application. Although I am incredibly grateful for my recent opportunities, I feel a little cheated on this one in terms of timing.

Life since the trip has been surreal and rewarding. I'm still unemployed and it has taken longer than I expected or planned to find a job, but I don't feel as bad about this as most people around me do. It's hard to when I am always doing really great things like making a video of our experience, giving a speech in parliament, attending amazing talks/events/exhibitions/documentary viewings/etc and having discussions with all kinds of interesting groups and inspiring people.

In many ways I feel I am developing the skills I wanted to develop, learning the things I wanted to learn, and working in the field in which I wanted to work. I'm just not being paid for any of it. I know I can't continue like this indefinitely, but for now I'm really happy to soak up this experience and throw myself into it, even if the more sensible thing to do is to step back from it and hammer harder at the banking job search. Not everyone in my life understands that, but some people do (my actor friends who know the value of working for free to develop their skills and build a portfolio deserve a special mention here) and they are really helpful in making me realise that I'm not completely crazy to just go where the wind or my instincts take me.

My Heart Is Afraid That It Will Have To Suffer

The Alchemist is one of those books that makes me want to tell everyone in the world how much I love it, even though it hardly needs any more publicity and if anything is dangerously over-hyped. One thing I will refrain from doing is writing a long blog post about how life-changing and amazing it is... there are plenty of those already and I'm sure you can make up your own minds.

I am writing about it today because I am thinking about fear, and one thing The Alchemist does exceptionally well is categorise (and shoot down) fear. Fear of failure, fear that your dreams will not live up to your expectations, fear that there will be nothing left to dream of if you succeed in your plans, fear that you don't deserve the thing want, etc. Ever since I've read that book I have been able to map my fears to the ones from its story as they've cropped up in my life. The little voice in my head says things like "you're being just like that guy who didn't want to go to Mecca now." Fear is often hard to recognise, and I'll always be grateful to The Alchemist for making it a little easier for me.

This is the other thing I think about fear; it is important. Yes, it can feel horrible and it can be prohibitive and there will be many many times in all of our lives when we wish we didn't have to deal with it or when it gets the better of us and life takes a negative turn as a result. But fear is important because it shows us that we care, and achievement has no real meaning without it. The things the world values are not always the things you value. The things that scare you are the things you truly value, and nothing is as satisfying as when you achieve / survive / find those.

I know what the boy in the book meant when he said "my heart is afraid that it will have to suffer." But today, thinking about all my current fears - the things I'm scared to lose and the things I'm scared I will or won't accomplish - I feel grateful for all the things I have to value.

In Need Of Stillness

I feel a bit sick - it's that kind of stressy sickness that can only be cured with some organisation, hard work, headspace and tea.

Tomorrow I have an interview and I feel quite unprepared. The last interview I had with that bank was tough and not only have I not really stepped up my game since then as planned, but if anything I'm extra rusty and out-of-it when it comes to Finance after all the time off and different experiences I've had lately.

This is good. I tend to be nervous before interviews and confident during them. I also tend to be able to pull out knowledge that's been buried deep within my brain when I need it, whether that's some mathematical knowledge for an interview or exam, or my high school Spanish in a Barcelona police station when my belongings had been stolen. I'll be ok when I walk in there.

It's a little more than just that though... finances, accounting, pending Columbia decisions, all the work we're doing on the back of the delegation trip, my ever-growing inbox... all of it is getting to me today, and I can't help dreaming of being somewhere beautiful and peaceful, far away from life's worries, or failing that, the place Herman Hesse referred to when he said this

"Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can escape at any time and be yourself"

I wish...

I wish Columbia would stop sending me emails about the interesting things their students are doing. I wish I had said this or that in my application. I wish I could stop dreaming, and aiming for things outside of my reach.

Actually I don't wish that last one at all.

One Sri Lanka

It's one am and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about Sri Lanka, the country I have been going to since I was one month old, and which, in the space of one week became a different place to the one I'd known all my life.

One week was such a short amount of time to see all the things we did - so many different perspectives, meetings, speeches, statistics, conversations and experiences, all somehow belonging to one country.

So many different emotions, thoughts and flashbacks have been reeling through my mind, and I am still so far away from achieving any kind of coherence.

Maybe. Probably Not. No.

Immediately after I submit any kind of application I convince myself that it won't be successful. It's mostly a self-preservation thing, but in the case of my Columbia application it is a very valid thought. I don't have a traditional academic background for the course and recent Foreign Affairs related experiences have taught me a lot and made me see some of the naivete in my application. I guess it will all come down to how much they like naive enthusiasm. And even if I am offered a place, there are funding and other potentially prohibitive factors to consider.

But in the meantime, while I convince myself that I'm not moving to NY in 6 months, I also have to be prepared in case I am, which means saying 'maybe' or 'no' to anything I'm invited to that happens around that time or that might bankrupt me given that I won't be working for 2 years and living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Today I said 'probably not' to a trip to Italy. I feel so silly everytime this happens as I'm so convinced there'll end up being no reason not to go.

I'm feeling silly a lot these days.

Where Do I Begin?

I know I have to write something down about my recent experiences - something more than the last cop out post. But I don't know where to start.

I could tell you what I did:

-that I quit my job and went to Sri Lanka for a long holiday where I had a chance to really think about life, what's important to me, what I'm good at and what I'm passionate about

-that I wrote my Columbia application there which made me think some more

-and that while I was there I ended up taking part in a programme where young members of the diaspora encounter a variety of perspectives on SL by meeting leading politicians from every major party, research organisations, NGOs, and people from rural communities in different parts of the country, and more.

So yes, I could tell you what I did, and it would only scratch the surface, but it would probably be a good place to begin.

What Happens When You Don't Update Your Blog

I feel a whole world away from my last post and, quite frankly, from my daily life. The last month has been very interesting. Posts coming soon.