Maybe. Probably Not. No.

Immediately after I submit any kind of application I convince myself that it won't be successful. It's mostly a self-preservation thing, but in the case of my Columbia application it is a very valid thought. I don't have a traditional academic background for the course and recent Foreign Affairs related experiences have taught me a lot and made me see some of the naivete in my application. I guess it will all come down to how much they like naive enthusiasm. And even if I am offered a place, there are funding and other potentially prohibitive factors to consider.

But in the meantime, while I convince myself that I'm not moving to NY in 6 months, I also have to be prepared in case I am, which means saying 'maybe' or 'no' to anything I'm invited to that happens around that time or that might bankrupt me given that I won't be working for 2 years and living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Today I said 'probably not' to a trip to Italy. I feel so silly everytime this happens as I'm so convinced there'll end up being no reason not to go.

I'm feeling silly a lot these days.