I wish...

I wish Columbia would stop sending me emails about the interesting things their students are doing. I wish I had said this or that in my application. I wish I could stop dreaming, and aiming for things outside of my reach.

Actually I don't wish that last one at all.

One Sri Lanka

It's one am and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about Sri Lanka, the country I have been going to since I was one month old, and which, in the space of one week became a different place to the one I'd known all my life.

One week was such a short amount of time to see all the things we did - so many different perspectives, meetings, speeches, statistics, conversations and experiences, all somehow belonging to one country.

So many different emotions, thoughts and flashbacks have been reeling through my mind, and I am still so far away from achieving any kind of coherence.

Maybe. Probably Not. No.

Immediately after I submit any kind of application I convince myself that it won't be successful. It's mostly a self-preservation thing, but in the case of my Columbia application it is a very valid thought. I don't have a traditional academic background for the course and recent Foreign Affairs related experiences have taught me a lot and made me see some of the naivete in my application. I guess it will all come down to how much they like naive enthusiasm. And even if I am offered a place, there are funding and other potentially prohibitive factors to consider.

But in the meantime, while I convince myself that I'm not moving to NY in 6 months, I also have to be prepared in case I am, which means saying 'maybe' or 'no' to anything I'm invited to that happens around that time or that might bankrupt me given that I won't be working for 2 years and living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Today I said 'probably not' to a trip to Italy. I feel so silly everytime this happens as I'm so convinced there'll end up being no reason not to go.

I'm feeling silly a lot these days.

Where Do I Begin?

I know I have to write something down about my recent experiences - something more than the last cop out post. But I don't know where to start.

I could tell you what I did:

-that I quit my job and went to Sri Lanka for a long holiday where I had a chance to really think about life, what's important to me, what I'm good at and what I'm passionate about

-that I wrote my Columbia application there which made me think some more

-and that while I was there I ended up taking part in a programme where young members of the diaspora encounter a variety of perspectives on SL by meeting leading politicians from every major party, research organisations, NGOs, and people from rural communities in different parts of the country, and more.

So yes, I could tell you what I did, and it would only scratch the surface, but it would probably be a good place to begin.