Let it Flow

People love flowcharts. Even a bad one makes you look like you've done some work. And a 'not bad at all' one can save you from contractual death. So thanks to my newfound acquaintance with Microsoft Visio, I live to see another day of Risk Change.

Perhaps they appeal to the parts of our minds that are logical & rational (a larger part than we think, I think).

I actually like flowcharts too. Maybe one day I'll make flowcharts of proposed restructuring in the developing world. The beauty of being a dropout is getting to learn a few tricks before you go.

The Silver Lining of Realisation

Yesterday was a horrible day - easily the worst I've had in this job to date. Despite all my tough talk about detachment in recent posts, I had to bite my tongue to stifle tears in a team meeting. I was noticeably intimidated and upset throughout the day, and shaken to the point where I couldn't perform to my usual ability, even at simple tasks that come naturally to me e.g. being able to confidently run a meeting.

Emotional transparency is not highly regarded in the corporate world, and that facet of my personality is one of the reasons I'm perhaps not so suited to it (though I maintain that it is not impossible for 'someone like me' to achieve success even in this environment - for all its rigidity, this 'world' is just a collection of human beings).

Regardless of how it was perceived, I think that ultimately this reaction might be a good thing for me. Maybe the combined effects of my incessant slacking, some unfortunately timed politics and the frustrations, concerns and tempers of those around me have all culminated in one horrible mess that has at least shown me that I care about this job for more than just money. I care about people, and I care about what people think of me. It's not much, it's not particularly honourable, but it might just be enough to see me through these long long days of mundane legwork.

There's a dream I feel. So rare. So real.

One of my takeaways from Invictus is that I think this is a nice version of a nice song.

Too sappy for most people, but it has lots of good things for me about 'trying to be the best you can be', overcoming hurdles, etc... and I am sappy, especially after an exceptionally bad day at work and an emotionally restorative yoga class.

Struggling to Work

Quiet times in my blogging are usually indicative of developments with work. I am significantly busier - my inbox is more active, I have increased deadline pressure, there've been leavers, new joiners, new relationships forming in the office that are eating my time, and a potential (& tempting) job offer from my last company.

Lots to think about. I wish I had more time to write about it - would probably help.

In the meantime, one thing to note is that I respond to work stress in an entirely different way now that I'm contracting, and not wholly committed to the job/industry. There is a sort of overarching calm that comes from the detachment. I took the above picture in India; it's the view from the back of the Taj Mahal...a brief connection to the serenity outside felt from within touristy craziness. And that's how I feel today - overwhelmed with work but with these little glimpses of the world outside of this office & this job, because this isn't really my life anymore, or even a huge part of it, and I won't measure myself by my performance here.

It is, however, my chosen means to my chosen end, so my performance does count for something and I could do without my priorities being quite so warped (e.g. why am I blogging at 11:50 when I have a major 3pm deadline, feeling, somehow, that work is getting in the way of my life).

I need a lot more discipline if I'm going to survive here.