A Crisis of Confidence

I am having a confidence crisis. Looking at jobs for next year and thinking I won't be able to get them, worried I'm not in the right frame of mind to write my Columbia application, that I won't be able to get everything done before I leave for Sri Lanka, and that the nightmare weekend I just had - the highlights of which included being locked out for four hours in the snow and scalding my hand - has left me woefully unprepared and unrested for my GRE test. My mind is lingering too much on one "rejection" (which wasn't so important or even an all-out rejection, as I am on the waiting list).

And I'm worried in a bigger sense. Worried that I have put all my eggs in one basket, worried about my finances, my ability, my drive and perseverance, and how all those things are going to shape the coming years. I'm worried about things I never worry about at all, or that I even normally think of as reasons not to worry. My friends wouldn't recognise me today. I don't recognise myself. I, of course, have doubts and fears like everyone else, and what I am experiencing now is a manifestation of them all at once, but it is unusual for me to succumb to them quite this much.

It is all the result of a busy calendar, too many deadlines and things that need to be done before I leave, some unfortunate incidents and not enough - not nearly enough - personal space.

My GRE test is tomorrow. My last day in this job (and this country for a while) is Wednesday. So I need to snap out of this today.

Today is mine. All appointments but the essential ones cancelled or postponed. Sitting away from my colleagues, avoiding people, getting my head together for a few more days of hardcoreness before I get to be in my frangipani-flower-filled-paradise.

We Welcome Your Feedback

There is much to be learned from the comments people write on news stories, both the stupid ones and the smart ones. The interesting point that the writer left out. The flaw in their logic. The heartfelt, personal responses. The unbelievable prejudices that some people hold - all censors on this lifted by the anonymity that the internet provides. Or the thing you're simply surprised that nobody said.

I find it either fascinating or exasperating, depending on how close I am to the issue. After one too many frustrating reads of mindless finger pointing from both sides, I have banned myself from reading comments on BBC news stories about the Tamil-Sinhalese conflict. I am also starting to develop some snobbery about the quality of readers' arguments in different publications.

One of the nice things about present-day journalism is the ability to get instant global feedback, to literally watch (read) the dialogue over your article unfold, and to watch the hits and tweets and 'likes' and 'favourites' and roll in.

One of the less nice things about a world where everyone reads everything online from a multitude of sources, for free, without allegiance to (or habitual buying of) any one newspaper or publication, is that it's much harder to find your following, and to make it pay your bills.

The optimist in me thinks that in the long run it will probably make journalism better. But you don't want to know how the pessimist in me wanted to end that sentence.

Project Work

If I have to hear the words

remediating,
resourcing,
or
rebaselining

one more time...

The Age of Applications

Lately I feel as though I am entering a period of applications for dropout-related activities. Mostly unpaid standalone experiences or internship positions, and one academic course. All of the applications involve some writing, either about myself - my experience and motivations - or about a given topic related to my current interests.

It's almost like a light version of the actual work/course/experience, and although I feel overwhelmed with trying to fit these things into my life while I have no internet at home (thanks a lot Sky Broadband), and intimidated by the tasks at hand and the calibre of the other applicants, the actual work involved - the sitting down and thrashing out the submission - gives me so much hope and energy, and knowledge or clarity on my own thoughts. I feel like I become better with each one.

Of course with applications come rejections. I haven't had too many direct ones, but I have one or two I can infer from a lack of response. I don't feel too bad about them - glad I tried, feel like I learnt from the process, etc. But in 20 rejections' time I'll have to see how I'm feeling.

Coconuts Keep Falling On My Head

How am I supposed to work when there is so much juicy stuff going on in the world today?!


Arguably two of the most politically interesting countries - India and the US - come together today as Obama visits India, during Diwali, an Indian microfinance crisis, a US mid-term backlash against the Demo's, and a clean-up of coconuts from the trees of Mumbai to protect Mr Obama's head. There are too many interesting articles on diplomacy and foreign policy to be read, Sri Lanka beat Australia in cricket, again, and Sarah Palin is entertaining me too much.

Moreover, all of this reminds me that I'm going to be in Sri Lanka, and maybe India, for over a month in Dec/Jan. I'm actually leaving this job, after complaining about it for the better part of a year. Fixed my leaving date. It's really happening this time. And as I was going to Sri Lanka anyway, and January is not a great time to be looking for work, extending the trip just made sense. It will mostly be an amazing holiday, but I should also be able to explore a few of my dropout-related interests.

So, with all of this in mind, how can I possibly work today?

The Reporter in Me

Some of my work involves writing little reports on an issue - background, current state, detail on specific issues, conclusions and recommendations... that kinda thing. I quite like this kind of analysis - taking a mass of (often conflicting) data, documents, emails and conversations and making it into something coherent.

You could say that one component of my job is investigating issues, and another (unfortunately the much bigger part) is spec'ing out the solutions. The investigative part, though exasperating at times, is really quite enjoyable.

And if you're all thinking 'hmm that sounds like a very journalisty thing to say', you are probably right.

I only wish the subject matter was more interesting, and the language more colourful. One day.

A Really Good School

I'm applying for the Masters in International Affairs programme at Columbia University. More on that later, but first...

Almost everytime I tell anyone about this, especially people who actually know the American university system, I get the same response: "That's a reeeeally good school!" (said with some mix of admiration and pessimism).

No shit. That's why I'm applying there.

Ugh, This Is Tripe

I really need to remember this - the importance of writing regularly (even if you are busy or uninspired). I haven't written much lately, and now I'm trying to write something about a travel experience. I am so out of practice and I feel like I can't properly convey my feelings - as though I have lost all my descriptive powers.

I keep reading it back to myself thinking 'ugh, this is tripe'. It's probably not too bad to read as tripe goes, and there's probably worse stuff in the world that gets published, but it doesn't feel real to me and I know I can do so much better than this, so that makes it tripe.

I know I am doing the right thing trying to write something now, and that I will get back into it if I keep trying, but I am really not enjoying the feelings of frustration at my self-inflicted inadequacy.

As usual I take it all out on my friends and my blog - the best therapists.

Passion Lives Here

When I grow up, I want to be Isabel Allende. A wonderful storyteller, a bestselling author, a compassionate activist (there is another kind of activist, I think) who is strengthened by her femininity and inspired by the best of the human spirit. Sounds good to me.

If you can't watch the video, you can find it here.

Incessant idealism, in a word

"One man scorned and covered with scars still strove with his last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable stars; and the world was better for this" -Don Quixote

I just discovered this beautiful word: quixotic.

quixotic
adj
1. preoccupied with an unrealistically optimistic or chivalrous approach to life; impractically idealistic
2. not sensible about practical matters; idealistic and unrealistic

synonyms: romantic, wild-eyed

[after Don Quixote romantic, impractical hero of Cervantes' novel "Don Quixote de la Mancha]
quixotically adv
quixotism n

Beautiful because it so perfectly describes my attitude towards life/work/relationships/how the world should work, and also because I am something of an iPhone scrabble player these days. Q is 10 points, X is 8. With the right combination of DL / TL / TW / DW tile placing, just quixotically imagine the possibilities.

I really shouldn't be a Business Analyst.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle...

"It was the nation and the race dwelling all round the globe that had the lion's heart. I had the luck to be called upon to give the roar"
--Winston Churchill

Today I was joking with a friend about how both of 'my countries' have some affinity towards lions and how, despite former glories, the people of both are now, on the whole, lazy f*ckers whose only leonine quality is a tendency to lay around in the heat yawning (probably because former lions have made things too easy for them, but let's not get into that).

I can't talk. I'm still looking for another job. And I have lots of stuff I could be doing with my days: either real work or some finance self-study that will help me to get the roles I'm going for (which recent interviews have shown me that I desperately need), or any number of other things that I would either enjoy or would be useful for me.

But I'm not doing anywhere near enough of it because I'm just so bored. I'm bored of all of it. I'm bored of this project, bored of having the same problems with the same departments here, bored of recruiters and job specs, bored of my own schpeel and my own answers to the same incredibly unoriginal interview questions (if one more person asks me for the pros and cons of each type of VaR calculation.... ), bored of efinancialcareers and linkedin and cityjobs.com. I think I'm even bored of Credit Risk. The only thing that slightly wakes me up these days is the one project I'm involved with that crosses over slightly with Market Risk.

And the boredom is making me slow. I'm slow to respond to emails and voicemails. I'm not reading enough. I'm not writing at all. I do virtually nothing towards my Alchemy now, and I don't feel that same inspiration & motivation towards it as I used to.

So basically I'm not doing anything because I'm bored, and I'm bored because I'm not doing anything.

I knew I would hit points like this on the journey. I think it might be time to eat frogs or watch motivational videos on TED.com or otherwise trick myself into working when I don't want to but I know it will be good for me.

Lions aren't kings of the jungle for the time they spend laying around in the sun yawning (though admittedly they do look pretty good doing that, as shown above).

Would I lie to you?

I'm looking for another contract role, and I'd like it to be a good one for three reasons:

1. A higher rate will enable me to pay off my debts faster.

2. I really want to sharpen up my finance knowledge and mathematical skills - in case I end up getting into financial journalism, and my project skills because they'll inevitably be useful for any kind of development work I get into. Also I generally find this stuff quite interesting.

3. I perform much better, and in some ways enjoy work much more, when I'm way out of my depth.

So I'm trying to strike the balance between doing the easier-to-get & extremely lucrative but less challenging roles, and the more challenging ones that are a much longer shot, might take more time to find, and for which I might have to offer a lower rate. You'd think that more challenging roles would pay more, but the market is kinda screwed up right now. Credit Risk Change divisions have very inflated budgets.

More draining than this though, is being constantly lied to by recruitment agencies. This week I've had:

"They won't pay more than x"

when the guy's already agreed > x with the company and put this in writing to me

"I've also put your friend forward for this role but don't worry they're recruiting a couple of people for this position so this won't in any way jeapordise your chances. I wouldn't do that!"

when the interviewer specifically told me that he is recruiting just one person

"You told me you wanted me to put you forward for this role so I've already sent your CV over"

Well the part about him sending my CV was true, but the role was in my old department. I definitely hadn't seen it and would never have agreed to it.

Ahh the joys of job hunting.

Performing Below Par

With any luck I'm nearing the end of my time in this job. I've told my boss that I'm looking for other opportunities, and why, and he's being understanding and supportive, mostly by giving me a professional invisibility cloak - almost no work to do, no expectations, no reviews, no follow ups, no responses to my questions & meeting invitations. I should add that this is his natural management style, but considerably exaggerated with me right now.

I hit a point like this in my A-levels too where more than one of my teachers, including my head of year, had "given up", and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't much more liberating for me than it was sad that it had come to that stage.

This job has been a similar tale of underachievement. I hope one day I'll understand better what went wrong the way I now do with my A-levels. At the moment I could list the sequence of events: the he said, she said, I felt, I did, this happened, that happened kinda stuff. But I don't feel like I have a really good grasp on why I entered this repetitive pattern of screwing up here despite in many ways having it pretty good.

That's a little unfortunate because it would probably be useful info for my current job search. But just as it took a course where I performed well to understand why I performed badly on another, so maybe the lessons from this experience will become clear to me with time and other jobs.

At this stage the most positive thing I could take away from this is that depite generally being a lazy slacker (in any job), I have actually been really unhappy, demoralised and frustrated with how bad things have been here - with not performing, with not having had the self-control to do things I didn't like, with feeling unchallenged and unstimulated, with not having had the discipline or sense or motivation to turn it around. I never actually took any real pleasure in knowing that I was being paid relatively well to have such an easy life and to do such shoddy work.

I think, I hope, that being unhappy about that is a good thing.

Save Changes. Save your Sanity.

Save changes. Especially when you're doing boring work. There is little excuse for doing boring work once, and none for doing it twice.

Thanks to my incompetence, this is my life for the next twenty minutes:

Copy. Paste. Copy. Paste. Copy. Paste. Copy. Paste.

I owe some real posts to this blog. There's been plenty of insightful interesting activity in my career lately. Sometime after the copying and pasting.

Still Flowing

Just a little further evidence from BBC's coverage of the UK general election that people really do love flowcharts.

A Moment of Truth

Almost a year ago now I met a guy at a friend's birthday who asked me the best question I've ever been asked. I told him that I'd been feeling restless in my job and didn't know whether I needed to change my existing one, to get a new one in the same industry, or option 3; to entertain these crazy thoughts I was having about doing something completely different - something more in line with what I used to want to do before life became about being made an 'associate' (whatever that means) or otherwise climbing the corporate ladder.

He said

"If you had no financial worries, no social pressures, no doubt in your mind that you were good enough, no industry barriers to entry,.... If you really had nothing to hold you back, what would you do?"

and as he said the words, I felt each of those fears and obstacles melt away in my mind until I was left, for one brief moment, with the answer, right before they all came flooding back.

I wanted to be a writer.

That day I said those words out loud for the first time, and one of only a few times ever. The guy turned out to be an IT consultant turned film director, so we talked some more about making these changes - how scary it is, how it doesn't happen overnight, how the fears and obstacles are real and prohibitive and need to be worked around.

And of course he was right. One year later I am a Business Analyst in another bank, equally lost/confused/intimidated about what I want to do. But I do remember that conversation often, because in this frantic world I find that a moment of true clarity is something to be treasured.

Cry Me A Repo

Tears at work. Happens in every job. Always with my manager. Always makes me feel a lot better (not sure about them). Always a river's worth.

Any boss, colleague or random person who wants to judge or think less of me for it is welcome to do so. We all have our theories on whether public tears exhibit weakness or strength. But this is who I am. This is how I operate. And, evidently, I have neither the ability nor the desire to stifle it indefinitely.

No One Can Intimidate You Without Your Consent

Last night I went to a talk by Richard Stengel, editor of TIME Magazine. The talk was pretty interesting and in a lot of ways I just really identified with him as a person. I could see, for example, that he is interested in character and human qualities, and how that has helped him with his work as a journalist, from gaining people's trust to being able to uncover and deliver the elements of their character that are of interest to others (Nelson Mandela in both those cases). He says the kind of things I say e.g. that when people praise others they reveal a lot about how they see themselves. I guess I felt inspired & encouraged by him in a more direct way than I do by other successful journalists whose talks I attend because I could see these qualities that we shared.

So when I bought his book at the end of the talk and went to get it signed, I obviously had a nice moment with him with a brief but very real connection where I said something smart and witty and he laughed, right?

Wrong. I totally choked, said something very stupid, and was generally a dithering idiot.

They say that no one can intimidate you without your consent. I think that's very true. I also think that the times we do consent tend to make amusing anecdotes.

Eating Frogs

Today I ate half a frog. Not literally of course; my squeamishness-induced quasi-vegetarianism would never allow that! I'm using some of that new-age productivity lingo here. They say you should do your worst (& most important) task first thing in the morning. Just do it, get it out of the way, use the momentum to accomplish other things, enjoy the fact that everything else you have to do is better than eating a live frog (hey it's not my analogy).

It's a great idea. I know from personal experience that it can work wonders. I just chose a really foul tasting frog today, and now I feel like I want to throw up.

My frog was writing a requirements document. About halfway through the day I realised that the most interesting thing I'd written was about what legal agreements might exist between my company and its clients. But that's why it's a frog. It's the thing I just have to do. It's not meant to be fun or interesting, and the reason I feel demoralised now is because I didn't finish it.

Tomorrow's frog is sorting out my tax. Deep breath, supress gag reflex,...

Let it Flow

People love flowcharts. Even a bad one makes you look like you've done some work. And a 'not bad at all' one can save you from contractual death. So thanks to my newfound acquaintance with Microsoft Visio, I live to see another day of Risk Change.

Perhaps they appeal to the parts of our minds that are logical & rational (a larger part than we think, I think).

I actually like flowcharts too. Maybe one day I'll make flowcharts of proposed restructuring in the developing world. The beauty of being a dropout is getting to learn a few tricks before you go.

The Silver Lining of Realisation

Yesterday was a horrible day - easily the worst I've had in this job to date. Despite all my tough talk about detachment in recent posts, I had to bite my tongue to stifle tears in a team meeting. I was noticeably intimidated and upset throughout the day, and shaken to the point where I couldn't perform to my usual ability, even at simple tasks that come naturally to me e.g. being able to confidently run a meeting.

Emotional transparency is not highly regarded in the corporate world, and that facet of my personality is one of the reasons I'm perhaps not so suited to it (though I maintain that it is not impossible for 'someone like me' to achieve success even in this environment - for all its rigidity, this 'world' is just a collection of human beings).

Regardless of how it was perceived, I think that ultimately this reaction might be a good thing for me. Maybe the combined effects of my incessant slacking, some unfortunately timed politics and the frustrations, concerns and tempers of those around me have all culminated in one horrible mess that has at least shown me that I care about this job for more than just money. I care about people, and I care about what people think of me. It's not much, it's not particularly honourable, but it might just be enough to see me through these long long days of mundane legwork.

There's a dream I feel. So rare. So real.

One of my takeaways from Invictus is that I think this is a nice version of a nice song.

Too sappy for most people, but it has lots of good things for me about 'trying to be the best you can be', overcoming hurdles, etc... and I am sappy, especially after an exceptionally bad day at work and an emotionally restorative yoga class.

Struggling to Work

Quiet times in my blogging are usually indicative of developments with work. I am significantly busier - my inbox is more active, I have increased deadline pressure, there've been leavers, new joiners, new relationships forming in the office that are eating my time, and a potential (& tempting) job offer from my last company.

Lots to think about. I wish I had more time to write about it - would probably help.

In the meantime, one thing to note is that I respond to work stress in an entirely different way now that I'm contracting, and not wholly committed to the job/industry. There is a sort of overarching calm that comes from the detachment. I took the above picture in India; it's the view from the back of the Taj Mahal...a brief connection to the serenity outside felt from within touristy craziness. And that's how I feel today - overwhelmed with work but with these little glimpses of the world outside of this office & this job, because this isn't really my life anymore, or even a huge part of it, and I won't measure myself by my performance here.

It is, however, my chosen means to my chosen end, so my performance does count for something and I could do without my priorities being quite so warped (e.g. why am I blogging at 11:50 when I have a major 3pm deadline, feeling, somehow, that work is getting in the way of my life).

I need a lot more discipline if I'm going to survive here.

Creature of the Night

2am tiredness shakes. 8am meeting. No good reason to be up at this time. About to set my alarm - the worst part of every day, but this time at least feeling relieved that I'm about to get a 'reasonable' amount of sleep.


Find me a job where I can be my nocturnal self.

Running Towards My Goals

This isn't the first and won't be the last mention of running in what is supposed to be my 'career blog'. For some reason in my mind the two are completely intertwined. I do some of my best thinking about my career & life in general while I'm running; and I think about running,well, all the time really, but particularly when I need to be reminded of what I can accomplish or of how much I can c*ck up if I don't do things properly.

There are many parralels. They are both long term challenges, and in that way both benefit from steady, structured, incremental progress and defined goals. Both come with their critics (in terms of my ability or suitability to them), both test me to my limits and demand huge amounts of mental discipline, and yet both are rewarding enough to make it all worthwhile. They both teach me a lot about myself, and help me to grow, and - this is important - they both inspire in me a similar level of hunger and ambition.

A race training programme teaches me discipline and the value of practice and progress. Aches and injuries teach me to have restraint, and the strength it takes to start again and work towards revised (downward) goals. And every run is a journey in itself, with highs and lows to overcome - the achy bit at the beginning that you just have to push through, the 'yes I'm past halfway!' bit, the lovely little discoveries you can make when you turn a corner, the weather, the exhaustion, the dehydration, the exhilaration, the 'oh my god did I actually just run 10 miles?!' feelings of pride and accomplishment, etc. And so, like all good journeys, I leave each one knowing a little bit more about what I can achieve and how I can do better, and with lasting memories to call on when I need those reminders.

The strong connection I feel between running and my career journey is usually a good thing, with one often providing inspiration, clarity and direction for the other. But today, my shin splints are enough to throw me into a state of complete demoralisation about my life - a state from which, I'm sure, I'll emerge stronger and fighting. It's just so hard in the meantime to feel that everything is still so far out of my reach.

Distraction

I shouldn't be at work today. I'm in some crazy dreamy place where I'm tortured by internal forces that are too many in number, too opposing in nature and too powerful and overwhelming to allow me to concentrate on, say, firming up user requirements. Hope, love, disgust, frustration, fear, courage, forgiveness.

I think I'm in India.

My Prescription for Dropout Syndrome

Answering my cousin's blog post...

The dropout syndrome is apparently hereditary.

What do you do if you fear you are not a 20-year stint in same industry kinda person, but you are also too ambitious and broke and bored to start at the bottom again every time you change your mind?

Keep moving - preferably up as well as across, write a blog, try to recognise your own patterns, develop a lot of transferable skills, get really good at finding connections & middle ground between industries, stay in touch with all your interests while you're pursuing the chosen one of that time, take all the passion and energy and fear that comes from the jumps you make and use them to make progress quickly because time is the one thing your restlessness probably won't let you have.

And when your feet start itching again, as inevitably they will, wonder if you should push through that feeling and actually stick with something this time, know deep down that you just can't, take a deep breath, think 'here we go again' and hope for the best.

Daring to Dream

Sometimes I'm so scared about this career change stuff, and at other times nothing frightens me more than my own ambition.

I just listened to a speech by Muhammed Yunus, the founder of microfinance, as research for an article I'm writing. The more I look into the field of International Development, the more I am struck by the immense power behind simple ideas. The kind of ideas that seem outlandish or counterintuitive at the time - like lending money to the poor instead of giving it (microfinance), or teaching people how to make a rough rehydration solution with water, sugar & salt instead of providing them with those perfectly formulated little Dioralyte sachets (BRAC). The kind of ideas that create economies and end cholera epidemics and that, because of their simplicity, work and grow and last through generations.

This is going to sound terribly big-headed, but I see myself or my potential in some of those talks, articles & stories. I feel like I was given this brain and these talents and interests and personal qualities that, of course, need a whole load of fine-tuning, but that could actually one day be used to do something amazing...or at least, something that is amazing to me.

I know I have so much work to do, and so many weaknesses to overcome, and there will be plenty of posts about those, but right now I'm just enjoying the feeling that anything is possible if you dare to dream.

Beautiful Words Deserve Beautiful Letters

I talked in this post about how much I liked the story of Steve Jobs' calligraphy course. Today I had a surprise calligraphy lesson of my own (or maybe typography, not sure I understand the distinction yet), and I think it may also turn out to be fairly useful!

I learnt a few basics about how to lay out documents/websites/etc in a way that makes them more readable and less visually distracting - probably good for anyone to know, but particularly for me right now since I have a website to design, and some application forms and articles to write.

Wikipedia will of course explain it all so I won't write it out here. Some basics are the CRAP principle (Contrast Repetition Alignment Proximity), rivers of white, serif & sans serif fonts, spacing & kerning. This is a great website too: http://www.webdesignfromscratch.com/basics/readability.php

And the teacher? One of the politicians who is still deciding whether or not to make me an ally. But I think that actually makes the surprise a little sweeter.

Getting Political

So I started my new job, worked for two weeks, went on holiday for three, and now have been back for two days. Already going crazy. This place is so political. There's more focus on forming strategic allegiances than on getting anything done. It's all secret chats in stairwells, and power struggles, and meetings in the pub about the meetings in the office, and 'who knows the most buzzwords and corporate jargon?' competitions. I can't help thinking that my interview should have been more a test of my diplomacy & bullshitting skills than a 2+ hour grilling on my knowledge of financial models.

It's a good place for me to be right now. The money is phenomenally good, and that helps me to pay off the debts I've racked up/earn towards grad school/etc. I get a lot of freedom. I can play on the internet all day, write my blog from the office, disappear for hours without anyone noticing. I could probably take my GRE test from my desk!

Fow now, I feel largely in control of my personal development. There are things I can learn from this job that would help me in any career - the art of politicking for one! And thanks to having a boss who either doesn't care or just really believes in freedom & empowerment (haven't decided yet), and having the detachment that comes from being an external contractor with other ideas for my life, I have a lot more time and mental capacity to work on things myself. Now I just have to use it! It's a new year & new chapter of my life. Time to set some goals, get some structure, really explore my options and see what I can do.